Follow the Feet
by Technicolor Temptation
Summary: Working title.  Toph returns to the Fire Nation after years away, to confront not only her feelings for Zuko, but what she feels towards herself.  TophxZuko, in progress.
1. Arrival

**Well, here's the beginning of what will be a fanfiction about Toph. (: And Zuko. ^-^ But that'll be later. I might as well tell you, there's gonna be a lemon later on, that's why this is rated M. So, yeah. Anyway, I'm devoting this story not only to explore TophxZuko, but to explore Toph herself. I've always perceived her as one of the most vulnerable characters in the series. I think that her self-confidence in her appearance is very lacking; this is illustrated a few times. And I just wanted to explore that. So, enjoy. (: Reviews, CCs, favorites, and alerts are ALL greatly appreciated.**

Her grimy feet hit cool stone as she pads into the courtyard. Her hair swings behind her, thick and black as night, free from any binding and growing wild as the wind touches it.

Toph Bei Fong was lost.

Not in the conventional way, no. She knew her way around well enough; she had walked these streets a few times. Her feet, the one part of her life that she thought of as a necessity, always knew where to take her. She relied on them when thinking and feeling became too complicated to stand, as they had been for the past four years.

Having carried her all across the Earth Kingdom, on to boats that had sailed her to both the Northern and Southern Water tribes, and to three of the four Air Temples, deserted though they may have been, Toph's feet had run out of ideas. And she hadn't allowed her head to think of one-that was simply too dangerous. In the past month, however, she had come to the conclusion that there was no choice left; something other than her feet would have to carry her somewhere, anywhere that might actually make a safe home for her.

Still, she resisted her head's idea of "home;" it was far too logical and reminded her that the last formal home she'd had was the Bei Fong estate. And there was no way she was ever returning to that horrid place.

So, as a final, last-ditch effort, Toph had turned to her heart.

The traitorous organ had whispered to her that she had always known where her home was, she was just in denial. Of _course_ she belonged beside her closest friends: Aang, Katara, Sokka, and Suki. Even Momo and Appa.

_And this is the stupidest choice yet,_ Toph grumbles to herself. _Look at where I've landed myself/ Mom and Dad would be better than this._

Toph was standing in the middle of the Fire Nation Palace's courtyard.

It had been pretty easy getting in; the guards were fairly the same as four years ago, and good old Sao had recognized her as the infamous Metalbender, one of the deciding factors in the old Fire Nation's defeat.

As Aang had told her, wherever he resided, and as long as she lived, she'd always be welcome near him.

But would that be true now? After all, she'd left without a goodbye.

It wasn't as if they'd needed her, though. Aang and the rest of "Team Avatar" had decided to stay in the Fire Nation for a few years to help reorganize things and help…him…rule.

Toph was born, lived, and would probably die for fighting, and being unruly and stubborn; firm in her tomyboy-ish, rough and tumble ways.

She'd be useless to the government. She loathed politics.

Besides, they had each other, didn't they?

The whole of the team had paired off. Sokka and Suki immediately moved in together, and Aang and Katara had entered into a pretty serious relationship.

_Who's next?_ Toph growled. _Appa and Momo?_

Everyone had someone, besides her.. She was the odd one out, the one who sat at home and ate candy while everyone else went out and had a double date.

But standing in the middle of the courtyard, the hot mud-brick burning the soles of her feet, Toph's heart chokes out a feeble reminder: there was, and still is, another member of the team. The prince, now king, of the Fire Nation. Zuko.

When he had first joined the group, Toph had felt something that she couldn't quite understand until a few days in. Unlike the others, she'd never really hated the dark horse of the Fire Nation. Yes, he'd held up their progress a bit, attacked them a few times. But fighting was her way of life. And, well…Toph understood what it felt like to be _mis_understood.

When Prince Zuko had appeared to mentor Aang in Firebending…when she sensed his apology was sincere…and when she first spent some quality time with him, she'd felt different.

Zuko wasn't like Aang, or even Sokka.

Admittedly, she'd had a small crush on the Water Tribe warrior. It hadn't lasted long; he proved to be too infuriating. A best friend.

Yet here came Prince Zuko, and as much as Toph hated it, he had everything appealing about him. Exotic. Fierce, and strong. Mysterious. Mercurial. Unpredictable, like the fire he controlled. And despite the scar, even handsome…or so she'd heard. Quietly, Toph laughed to herself.

Toph, though she'd never admit it, was quite excited when he first joined them. Here, she thought, is someone, finally, to love _me_. I'll finally have someone around to think of me as something special, someone who'll feel something for me.

_Ah,_ she realizes now, _I was young. Naïve. Stupid. And by standing here now, I prove that I still am._

_He hates me,_ she thinks. _He hates me, because I was all over him, a drooly, ugly, twelve year old blind girl thinking she had a chance with him, when all along he had a depressed Fire Nation chick pining for him. I even tried to _hug _him once. What's wrong with me? How do you cure idiocy? Obviously, it doesn't go away with age._

Well, at least she hadn't known about Mai. Not for a while, at least. And once she'd learned, she'd kept her distance.

Mai. Also from a rich family. Also deadly in combat. Impatient. Far from girly. And maybe…just maybe…a little insecure.

_Are we really so different?_ she wonders. _He could have all the good qualities of Mai in me, only with more personality. Right?_

She isn't sure. Standing here alone, she isn't much sure of anything, and hasn't been for a long time.

Do I even want to be here? What will come if I seek the group out?

Am I still everyone's friend? Would they still welcome me?

Would they even remember who I was? Am?

Would I still have feelings for Zuko?

And, most frightening of all: would they even recognize me?

The past four years have been a strange time for her. Her traveling around the Nations started early and ended late; she often didn't have the energy to put her hair up anymore, much less get it cut. She's lost all of her bands and pins, and, frankly, doesn't care.

Toph's hair hangs long, more than halfway down her back, knotted and dirty, with more growing down into her face, shielding colorless eyes that speak of wounds both ancient and recent, neither forgotten, much less healed.

She's much taller, with long legs and broad shoulders. Her arms are as muscular as ever, but her hands are more delicate; they'd be soft, if she bended anything besides earth and metal.

And, most mystifying of all, her body had changed in ways that, despite the explanation of numerous physicians, she didn't understand, or like. Especially the bleeding. That was awful, and uncomfortable. It made it hard for her to focus on her bending, particularly when she felt as if her insides were going to fall right out.

But worst of all was her figure. She hated how curvaceous she'd become, how her hips had grown wide and her bottom curved out. Nothing was more embarrassing, however, than her breasts. She abhorred everything about them, their size and shape, like apples; the way they moved with her, so heavy and cumbersome.

Most of all, the wetness between her legs and the stiffness of her breasts was to be avoided. She could not, would not think of Zuko. That made her body do things she could not understand; things that forced her into hating herself more for wanting to.

So why was she standing here, where he, or any of the others, might find her and drag her back to all the turmoil and uncertainty?

Her mind flashes back to her day in Ba Seng Sei with Katara, the girls who had made fun of her. It hadn't been the first, nor would it be the last time she'd been called ugly-but it had been the first and last time someone had called her pretty. Katara.

It made her heart, her head, her everything, hurt to think of Katara telling such a lie. She was simply too kind-so kind, she'd lie for someone else's benefit.

But it simply wasn't true, Toph knew.

Thinking all this over has brought her to a terrible realization: the quality she was missing, the thing that made Zuko pick Mai over her. Mai was beautiful, according to others, with a tall, thin, and perfect body, raven-dark hair, thick and long, and shining amber eyes.

And she wasn't.

Toph had once asked a man she found on the streets of the Earth Kingdom, who she'd noticed had been facing her for a long time, what she looked like.

_I've been having a terrible day,_ she told herself. _I feel so ugly. But if this man has been looking my way so long, he must see something in me._

"Tell me what I look like, please," she whispered. "I can't see."

"Eh," he said, and spat. "Ratty dark hair, eyes with no color. Round cheeks and a tiny nose, thin mouth. Nice tits. Hey, I gotta room, if ya need one."

She heard the jingling of keys.

"No, I'm fine," she replied, and walked away, refusing to let the tears fall.

And so, here it was proven to her again: she wasn't pretty enough for Zuko.

_Or anyone,_ she tells herself.

She tries not to think of it. Tries not to care. Out of sight, out of mind. And she couldn't see anything. So what was there to worry about?

But here, in the courtyard, near Aang and Katara and Sokka and Suki, Momo, Appa; her memories, Zuko, and worst of all, Mai, everything is all too real.

She remembers now: do not follow your head or heart. They'll always hurt you. Follow your feet.

The young woman turns and runs for the gate, her hair streaming behind her and her feet making soft smacking noises. It feels good to run; it doesn't require thinking.

She's almost there, almost to the gate, almost to freedom.

Air. She can breathe now.

But it's then that a strong arm takes hold of her elbow and grips firmly.

A distinctly female voice spurts out, "It can't be…Toph…is that you?"


	2. Return

**Chapter 2, loves. :D But first, review replies!**

**Ohshnapitsterri: My first reviewer, yay for you. (: I'm here to grant your wish; here's some more. Thank you!**

**mlkoolc86: Why, thank you! I've always been interested in exploring Toph's...doubts, I suppose. I've perceived her to be very confident in her bending abilities, but perhaps not so much with her appearance, or maybe even her personality. That's just my take, though. ^-^**

**xScaredDemonx: Yes, Toph is definitely my favorite character; I love her oh so much. :3 Thank you for the review.**

**mgezzie: Thank you very much. (: Toph deserves lots and lots of fanfics, I think. :O**

**And now, the next chapter of Follow the Feet. Title = hate; if you have any suggestions, please leave them in a review. :D Enjoy.**

Like a struck bird, Toph's heart fell into the pit of her stomach. Why hadn't she known Suki was coming?

Correction: she had; she was just so focused on escape that it hadn't registered. The Earthbender had felt the swing of her arms and the light pitter patter of Suki's steps, a bit heavier and more burdened than when she had last felt them; perhaps she had not recognized her because of another presence. Toph realized, with a jolt, that Suki was pregnant.

A flash of excitement zapped in her stomach. She had heard Suki speak once of being a mother. Despite her skill as a warrior, Suki was also very loving and kind, and had told Katara and Toph that she would love to become a mother one day. Toph feels happy for her friend-this emotion, however, was quickly dampened by the fact that, since she'd been found, she'd have to see everyone again.

Everyone, that is, meaning everyone. Which included Mai and Zuko.

Slowly, dreadfully, Toph turned, pointedly not looking in Suki's direction. She shuffled her feet, crunching dirt between her toes, and clasped her now released hands in front of her wait. Suki's expression, though Toph could not see it, was one of surprise, concern, and restrained anger.

Suki was dressed in in a clean green gown, loose-fitting and willowy. The Kyoshi Warrior's face paint was no more; instead, her attractive, lightly tanned face and gray-green eyes shone openly. However, her fan was still strapped onto her waist, now decorated with cherry blossoms. Toph noted that Suki's form had not changed much since they'd last been together; the warrior was, most likely, not very far along, and Toph paused to wonder whether she even knew yet.

Gently brushing the long bangs out of Toph's eyes, Suki planted a light kiss on the Earthbender's forehead.

"Where have you been, Toph?" Suki asked, her voice revealing what Toph thought might be rage, and definitely pain. "We thought you were dead!"

Toph grumbled out a gravelly, "Around."

"Around where?" Suki demanded. "The block? The bend? The bend? The world? You didn't even say _goodbye_."

Toph could find no answer to this, but guilt bubbled in her gut. Her throat burned and her hands were clenched so tightly that her knuckles had turned white.

"Damn it, Toph. Do you have no idea how much we've needed you? How much we _love_ you?" Suki's voice had raised, and several people in the courtyard were staring. A Fire Nation hawk squawked, disturbed.

This was simply too much for Toph, who was already acutely-almost painfully-aware of how out-of-control her emotions had been _before_ running into Suki. Now, the confirmation that the gang DID need her, and DID love her, put her over the edge. Flooding out in quiet trickles, the Earthbender's tears softened the furious Kyoshi Warrior's anger. Soon, she too was crying, and she opened her arms to Toph.

Reluctant to grant her a public display of affection, Toph defied her nature and hugged back half-heartedly. Her mind returned to the time in the Serpent's Pass, and being saved from drowning by Suki, who she'd then kissed, thinking it was Sokka.

_If crying in public is embarrassing,_ she told herself fiercly, trying to ease her feeling of exposure, _then kissing a girl is death. And you survived that, didn't you?_

Still, her ears were hot with shame.

She could sense Suki was sorry for being so aggressive, so it was no surprise when she whispered in her ear, "I'm sorry. You must have had a good reason to leave, right?"

They pulled apart and wiped at their eyes. Toph's fingers felt calloused, and grit from the earth was rubbed in, making the problem worse.

_My eyes must look disgusting. I will not care. I will not care. I don't care._

"Toph...are you okay?"

Okay? Yes. Her heart was beating, her pulse was racing, her lungs were pulling in charcoal-y, Fire Nation air. And seeing Suki wasn't going to kill her, and she wasn't even that hurt by her words, only shocked. But really, truly, completely fine? No, far from it; she knew what was coming. Suki was bad enough, washing embarassing memories of old times over her, but everyone else would bring even more things that she didn't want to think about. Times, actions, things she'd said around them that actually gave her a _reason_ to hate herself. And she couldn't think about those. Plus, worst of all, there was Zuko and possibly, horribly, Mai. This was hell.

If Toph had to have a run-in with the Fire Lord, she thought she'd kill herself. She simply, absolutely did not have the strength to confront the combinatrion of memories and emotions that he would bring. Not to mention the shame of feeling, of knowing, his love for Mai.

"Yeah, I am," she said, with a small, shy smile. "I'm fine."

"Good enough," Suki replied briskly, tossing her hair back. She obviously did not want to linger on her more unattractive emotions, and spirits knew Toph could sympathize. "Come with me, please. We have a lot to talk about."

Without waiting for a response, Suki took Toph's rough hand in her soft one and lead her down the cobblestone path towards the palace.

And though she couldn't be sure, Toph thought she heard her heart defy her head's concerns about seeing everyone. Privately, it whispered, "It's good to be home."

Lunch was huge. Chicken and pork, rice, lo mein, spinach and broccolli, peaches and lemon cake. Wines, juices, water. Anything. Everything.

The gang was seated around a large table made of maple wood, edged in red with a white dragon painted in the center. Crimson lanterns hung from the walls and glowed happily. Toph sat between Katara and Aang, with Sokka and Suki across from them. Momo sat on Toph's shoulder, licking her ears. At least he was glad to see her. He and Aang. The happy-go-lucky Avatar had been all smiles since her return, and she was grateful. As for the rest of the "welcoming" party...well, the others hadn't reacted so well. Sokka and Katara had yelled at first, like Suki. As soon as Toph's tears fell, Katara softened. Sokka, however, was not so.

The warrior dug in angrily at his food, seemingly taking his frustration out on it, cutting apart pork as he would an enemy and shoveling it in his mouth. Grains of rice came flying out in a pel-mel fashion. One hit Suki in the face, and she narrowed her eyes angrily. Toph winced, her sharp hearing alerting her to Suki's teeth, ground together.

Katara picked at her food, not really focused on anything. A few bites of peach went into her mouth, but rather than really eating, she transferred drops of wine, one by one, into Momo's mouth.

That probably would not end well.

Though Toph could not see it, the team had changed very much. Aang, now sixteen, like Toph, was so much taller that it was astonishing. Actually, he was taller than Sokka. His face had elongated a bit and squared off. The Avatar still maintained his lanky form, not particularly muscled up. And still, he kept his face and head shaved. The arrow was as boldly blue as ever.

Sokka, on the other hand, had stayed around the same height, with not much change in his face. He sported stubble now, though, and his hair had grown long and hung down to his chin, dyed lighter by the bright sun. His face and body, in contrast to his hair, had grown darker, if possible, and he was now colored like dark mocha coffee. The Water Tribe warrior's arms and chest had bulked up a lot; to put it quite frankly, he was ripped. His omnipresent boomerang was strapped to his shoulder. His pulse was racing because of his emotions, and suddenly Toph was thinking of the bracelet that he'd "given" her. True, it had only been a piece of earth and metal, but she had made it into something truly beautiful, and it still meant a lot to her. Thinking of it, she shifted, and felt the cool stone rub against her wrist.

Somehow, it made the knot in her stomach unclench. She took in a deep breath, feeling grateful that this time, it didn't hurt.

It was obvious, however, that Katara had changed the most out of all of them. She was, by all standards, a woman; the Waterbender was even more curvy than Toph. She was beautiful, in a matronly, round sort of way, with her eyes big and limpid and her hair hanging long and free down her back. If Toph could see, she would've chuckled; Katara was still sporting her hair loopies. Toph would think them childish, but she knew how much Aang loved them.

They ate in silence for a bit, no one quite certain of what to say. The atmosphere was electric with a mixture of happiness and frustration; Suki was smiling, but it wasn't quite heartfelt, and Aang was glancing all around, fidgeting at how awkward things were.

Toph felt her rage growing at the lack of action. She set down her fork and crossed her arms and ankles and let out a huffing sigh. Momo teetered on her shoulder and chirped happily, taking in another mouthful of wine.

Still, no one spoke. Aang coughed uncomfortably, involuntarily blowing a gust of air across the table.

"Damn you all," Toph growled, slamming her fist on the table. "I know you guys are pissed at me, but could someone please effing say something?"

Sokka shot daggers at her before replying, "Here's something: why the _hell_ did you leave? Did you just think that once the war was over, you wouldn't have any responsibilities? That you could just go waltzing off to your mother and father, a hero, and keep kicking whoever's ass you pleased? It doesn't work like that, Toph. As a member of Team Avatar, you need to be here. Zuko needed us, and so we stayed. Except for you. You know, you never were the queen bee of caring, but I thought we meant something to you."

Toph's hands clenched around her fork. Of COURSE they meant something to her. They meant _everything_ to her. They meant too much. That was why she left. She couldn't have so many people so close to her; it drove her crazy.

_I don't deserve to be cared about,_ she told herself. _I can't let them care. I can't._

Her heart keened with pain at Sokka's words. She hadn't meant to hurt them; only to protect herself. _I must be strong._

Instead, without really meaning to, she peeps out, "I do care about you guys. More than my own family...you ARE my family..."

"I'm not mad any more, Toph," Katara murmurs, her voice soft. "But...well, we've been through a hard time this past year. And we really could have used a person as strong as you are."

_I'm not strong. I am not strong. Look at me. I'm a weak, lying, blind girl. I fear what I should love and I love what I should fear. I'm sick._

"Guys," Aang pleads, "Please don't fight. Shouldn't we just be glad that we have our friend back? Toph won't leave again, will you, Toph?"

Detecting that Aang only half-believed his own statment, Toph drew in a long, steady breath. It strengthened her, and she looked straight ahead. Suddenly, the Earthbender was filled with resolve; not for herself, but for her friends. She would not hurt them again. Thankfully, blessedly, her voice came out without quaking.

"No, Aang. I'll never leave you guys again, unless you want me to. I'm going to be here through thick and thin. I won't lie, or steal, or make a fool of myself. I'm going to help out. Hell, I'll even talk politics with you old souls." She wrinkled her nose in distaste. "I'm so sorry that I left the team when you all needed me most. I promise that I'll explain myself in time. Please, forgive me."

Before anyone could reply, a soft knock sounded on the door, and it creaked open. There, right before Toph's unseeing eyes, was Fire Lord Zuko.

He raised a hand behind his head to ruffle his hair, blushing and smiling at once. "Sorry I'm so late, guys. Did I miss anything?"

With that said, Momo fell with a squeal from Toph's shoulder.

**Okay, I wrote this really late and don't have time to edit it. I will later. But, I'm sorry for any mistakes I made. Oh, and FF wouldn't keep my breakers in here. So the writing seems to kinda jump around a bit. . But anyway, please review/fave/alert/etc. I love them very much. :D Thanks for reading!**


	3. Reunion

**Hello, and welcome to the third chapter of Follow the Feet! XD Before I go on, I'd like to do review replies first. :D**

**mgezzie: Thanks! I hope you like this chapter.**

**Wordwryhta: Thanks. (:**

**mlkoolc86: Again, thanks. I like Suki's character a lot. :D**

**donhisiewen: WOW, thank you so much. :D You were actually the person who inspired me to work on this immediately, so kudos.**

**ahoykailee: haha, thank you. :D I didn't know you had reviewed till I almost put this up. But anyway, your words mean a whole lot.**

**Anyway, I'm a southern girl…which means school has started. Bleh. x.x I'm already in my second week; can you believe that? 10****th**** grade is alright. :3 But anyway, updates will probably come only on the weekends or early in the school week.**

**But whatever, don't wanna hold you up anymore. Go read, and enjoy! :D**

The air was charged, although it felt different for each person. Aang worried about the anger flowing from Sokka, repressed in Katara. The Fire Lord, on the other hand, realized that he had walked in on a very tense conversation. Momo was so drunk the room was flying around faster than he could. And for Toph, well…she just felt very, very warm, in all the wrong places. Her ears burned, her cheeks sparked, and her groin flamed.

She could feel through her feet Zuko's increased heartbeat, the chi coursing through his muscles. His hands, feet, and mouth, prime points for the emergence of fire, were the centers of the energy, and for a moment, unbidden, Toph wondered what it would be like to kiss his slim lips. They must be warm.

_Could his heart be going so fast for _me?

She can't let herself hope that much. It isn't true. No one wants her. No one is happy to see her; she heard it herself, everyone was angry, except for Aang, but even he thought she'd leave again.

_Zuko isn't angry._ A tiny voice in her head squeaks. _He's embarrassed, and nervous. But he's not _angry _at you. _

_Shut up,_ her other side said. _He's just upset because he's late. He has no joy in seeing you_

Toph curled her lip, confused, but unwilling to believe the smaller voice. That was the voice that always got her hurt.

"Um, so. Guys. What'd I miss?"

Zuko smiles his cute, self-conscious smile. Toph wants to see it, wants to see his face, or at least touch his face, more than anything ever before. She wonders if her cheeks are as red as they feel.

"Toph was just apologizing," Katara said calmly, picking at a piece of broccoli, "for being gone so long."

"Oh," Zuko replied, shifting his feet awkwardly. "I see I missed the really fun stuff."

His humor is accepted, although most everyone still looked morose. The Fire Lord seats himself across from Toph, and she is feeling with her feet frantically, trying to figure out whether or not he's looking at her. Her search is almost fruitless; she's gotten a bit better at "seeing" details, but she can only tell that he's looking somewhere near her; perhaps at Aang, or Katara…_Katara._

_That's right, _one side hisses. _They've always had a certain spark. Katara wanted to heal his scar; she told you so. _You _couldn't do that, could you?_

Toph's anger grew until she had bent the fork she was holding into an impossible angle. Momo, splayed out on the floor with his wings spread wide and pumping, as though making a snow angel, perked his ears, hearing the tinny crunch of metal. Tail twitching, he sat up and chortled at Toph, head cocking this way and that.

She could have Earth-bended the flying lemur halfway across the Fire Nation. He had drawn attention to her.

"Toph?" Suki asked, "Any particular reason you've crunched up your fork?" She laughed nervously.

Toph grumbled out something unintelligible, still furious at Katara and Momo and Sokka and Aang and Suki and Zuko and Mai and…herself. She slouched lower in her chair, now attempting to make small sculptures with the destroyed utensil. However, since she was unable to see it, things weren't going so well. Art had never been her strong suit.

"Is that a badger mole?" Aang asked, beaming.

"No, doofus, it's Appa."

"Oh. Do you wanna see him? I know you miss your cuddle buddy!"

Toph flinched. Yes, she would've loved to see the enormous sky bison; he wouldn't be angry at her. But did he really have to say cuddle buddy? _Cuddle buddy?_ That made her sound so soft, so weak.

_Which of course I am,_ she thought, while one half agreed, _They don't need to know._

And Zuko. He probably thought she had some crazy fur fetish.

She sighed, leaned forward, and set her limbs on the table. Screw manners.

_Why am I even here?_ she wondered. _Nothing is the same. Look at me. I've screwed everything up. We can't even talk anymore. I bet things were fine before I got here. Now I've ruined my life _and the _lives of my friends._

"Yeah, I guess I'll see Appa," she replied flatly.

"Toph.." Zuko said, and she shuddered, her breath leaving her, loving how her name sounded in his mouth.

_You're beautiful? I missed you? I love you?_

No.

"How have you been?"

What a terrible, worthless, meaningless question. Horrible, she'd been horrible. She'd lived alone for four years, wandering and doing something stupid and involuntary and terrible that her physicians called "becoming a woman."

She didn't reply, and he tried again, "I mean…what've you been up to for the past four years?"

That's even worse. She's been up to nothing, she's been up to not fighting, not arguing, not having fun. And what had _he _been doing? Partying in the Fire Nation, being King, and loving up on Mai, whatever that meant.

She growled out a reply, "Walking around the Earth Kingdom. I visited Bumi." Then, unbidden, "And my parents."

A flush creeps up her face again, and she feels her eyes grow wet. Shit.

She notices that Zuko's hurt, although she can't imagine why. It wasn't as if he hadn't seen her coldness coming, right?

Right?

_It doesn't matter,_ bad half hisses. _He can't care about you. He should hate you, because you deserve to be hated. You thought you could compete with Mai, when you obviously stood no chance, and still don't. You're not even worth the time it takes for him to speak to you._

Her tears stop up, dried away by her frustration.

"Your parents?" Katara asked, eyebrow cocked. "And how did that go?"

"It went terribly, okay?" Toph snapped, finding her voice growing louder. "They were total assholes and my visit didn't last long at all. It was a stupid idea."

_And so was this._

"Well, it seems like you aren't ready to talk about it yet," Katara said, annoyingly gentle and patient.

Why couldn't she be like the others? Why couldn't she be angry like Sokka and Suki, or awkward like Zuko and Aang? She had to be all nice and kind and motherly. It sickened Toph, and made her angry. Katara got whatever she wanted. Katara was pretty, Katara was loved, Katara knew where she belonged. And she was still, somehow, kind to a person like Toph.

"Why don't we tell you about what's gone on here?" the Waterbender suggested, and most of the table nodded eagerly.

"Oh! I wanna go first!" Sokka declared, tapping his feet on the ground eagerly. "Suki and I go first. We've got the best news, anyway."

Toph sunk down, sure she already knew what it was, and also sure that Sokka had forgotten that she could tell things like that.

"Suki and I are gonna be parents!" The Water Tribe warrior stood from his place at the table triumphantly, and Suki smiled happily, her teeth flashing and beautifully straight.

A cheer rose up from the table, as if it were the first time anyone had heard the news. Momo squealed in approval and flew haphazardly over to Sokka, tugging on his long hair playfully before careening into a bottle of wine.

Red liquid sprayed across the table, dousing the chicken and splattering on to Toph's face and clothes. She cursed, leaping up, and, of course, through frantic sweeps of her arms, sent her plate of food flying. Momo caught a peach, his favorite food, in mid-air, and began to eat it happily, oblivious to the chaos he had created.

"Fucking lemur," Toph spat, frantically wiping the wine off of her face.

Zuko was out of his chair immediately, and he carried a napkin over to her.

She reached her hand out to take it from him, but instead, he dabbed it at her face himself.

"What do you think I am, a baby? I know how to clean my own damn body."

_My own monstrosity of nature. Why was I made like this? How did I become…what I am?_

"No, dammit!" Zuko growled, and Toph was surprised by the ferocity in his tone. "I'm just trying to help! Can you EVER just let someone do something for you because they _want_ to?"

She feels her mouth open slightly, in a jolt of surprise, trying to gasp but too breathless to do so. Zuko is still padding at the wine on her face, and she'd give anything, anything in the world, to see his expression. Was it one of fury? Pity? Or…no. It wouldn't, couldn't be of concern. Of caring. Things simply did not happen that way.

_But what if they did?_ small side whispers, and Toph's hopes are dangling, dangling from a limb, desperate to fly but scared to spread their wings. _What if…what if…_

_NO. Fire Lord Zuko would never put the moves on you. You're ugly and fat and stupid. You're nothing. You're a rat on your own, but Mai makes you into a flea. A parasite._

"Look, Razzle-Dazzle Firefingers, I'm just gonna go to the pot and wash up. I appreciate you respecting my 'delicacy,' but I think I can wash my own face."

She stormed off without another word, her feet hitting the floor so hard little puffs of dust rose up with them. Filthy. That was her, filthy, covered in grime, inside and out. She was dirt.

The Earthbender's pounding feet led her to a small bathroom, where, after washing her face (she wasn't planning on bothering with her clothes), she slumped to the ground.

Wishing she had eyes that could see, so she could just stare at the wall, Toph sat there for a few minutes. The tile was cold and hard on her butt and she hated it. Drops of water plinked down from the faucet into the washbowl, infuriating to her sharp sense of hearing. If she thought hard enough, she could still feel how gently he'd pressed the napkin to the side of her face. But over and over in her head, she heard Zuko's voice: angry, powerful, demanding.

And over and over, she heard her darker half screaming at her: _Bitch. You should have slapped that rag right out of his hand. He needs to hate you. They all need to hate you. They DO hate you. You can forget things ever being normal again, you little whore. Pretty soon, you'll be on the outs again. Poor widdle Earthbender._

"Shut UP!" she screamed at herself, digging her nails into the soft skin of her arms.

Tears were falling now, thick and heavy, droopy and salty and round. They were everything Toph hated about herself: her body, her face, her weaknesses, her personality, her actions.

_If I cry hard enough…maybe it'll all fade away. Maybe it'll wash right off me and I'll unfurl a beautiful, loveable girl…or maybe I'll just fade away myself._

Her sobs were growing louder and louder, and she wondered if the rest of the party could hear her. Most likely. Or maybe they had all left. It made sense; they were sticking together for her, so she could talk, and since she wasn't…they probably left. Team Avatar had better things to do than give her therapy-time.

Somehow, this only hurt her more, and she plowed one first into the tile. It came away bloody, and one finger was bent oddly, but she hardly felt the pain. She was mad and sad and confused all at once, and for one gut-wrenching moment, she feared she'd heave everything back into the toilet she sat so near to.

The door opened with a soft squeak and in walked Katara. Eyes widening in horror, the Waterbender immediately took out some water and wrapped it around Toph's hand. It let out a gentle, cool pulse, and almost immediately she felt better. All over, even.

"They're gone, Toph. They're gone," Katara said soothingly, looking into her sightless eyes.

_See there?_ little voice murmurs meekly, words weak and barely audible. _She cares. Someone cares…_

"Di-did anyone hear me?" Toph asked, hating how weak and warbling her words sounded.

"Only me."

"Oh. Well, okay. I'm sorry about all this. The tile…"

"It's okay, Toph. You've obviously been through a lot. Just stay calm and quiet for a minute."

More than willing to obey, Toph slouched her shoulders and let the last of her tears drop off onto her clothes. The water was helping not only her hand, but her whole body and soul; everything felt much more peaceful. When Katara was done, she sat and looked at Toph for a while, shaking her head almost imperceptibly.

"Toph…I know what you'd most like is for me to just let you go running off. To deal with this on your own. But Toph…I think you and I both know…we need to talk."

**Thanks for reading! I really hope you liked this chapter. Anyway, I've kind of been thinking of doing a chapter or two every once in a while featuring Zuko's POV. So, in a review, I'd love it if you told me what you thought, of the idea or the story or chapter or whatever you please. Thanks again; I hope to see you guys soon. :D **


	4. Sister, Sister

**Oh my goodness, guys. I am so sorry that this update has been so long in coming. I can't excuse it, but I will tell you that a) I haven't been that inspired-at least in the fanfiction realm-lately and b) school started for me a few days after the last update and it is BUSY AS HELL. Plus, I'm trying to figure a lot of stuff out right now, and it's been kinda hard. Also, this chapter is sort of short and is probably riddled with errors, mainly because I didn't have that much inspiration and just wanted to push past it and towards the TophxZuko and because it's one in the morning here and I'm too exhausted to go over it.**

**But first, review replies:**

**Waiyi: Yes, she was a bit dramatic. xD**

**donhisiewen: Definitely! This is a complete mush of "sisterly love." xD And I think I'm going to try a little bit of both Toph and Zuko POV in the next chapter, for some diversity. I want to-well, you'll find out. :)**

**mlkoolc86: Thanks, here it is!**

**FPPE, darling, I finally am! Much love to you; you are a dear friend. (:**

**mgezzie: I feel guilty because this is so late in coming. But thank you, and here you go!**

**sora563: Zuko is coming! :DD**

**RedBarron: I'm so glad you found this to be relatable, and I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you continue to enjoy this.**

**Arashi-No-Shadow: That's what I think, too. Thank you. (:**

**I hope I get soem reviews on this, and, once more, I'm so so sorry for this taking so long. Thank you for reading. Enjoy.**

"Please start from the beginning, Toph," Katara said, holding the Earthbender's hand tightly. "I want to know exactly what's going on with you."

Toph didn't reply.

"I'm serious, Toph," Katara tried again. "I need to know why you left, and what happened to you out there. You're not acting the way I remember you, and I'm worried. We all are."

"Yeah, well, fuck you," Toph replied vehemently, her eyes narrowed. "The past four years have sucked. You wanna know what happened? I grew a pair of tits and my balls shrunk up, that's what happened. Leave me alone."

Katara's eyes widened considerably, and her mouth turned into a funny little line on her heart-shaped face. Unsure whether to laugh or cry, she reached out and took Toph's hand, which clenched so hard around hers that it hurt her fingers.

"Leave it, Katara. I mean it."

Katara's body felt hot with rage and indignation. Toph had been bitchy enough to leave them when they needed her. She came back and acted like a shell of herself, withdrawn, quiet, only reappearing in moments of rage. And pain, an emotion that Katara had never really seen in the Earthbender. That was what scared her.

Why did Toph have to be like this, hiding and closing herself up, like the skin around an un-cracked nut? Katara wanted to reach out, wanted to help, wanted to heal, and it was incredibly frustrating that the girl who was supposed to be her best friend wouldn't let her.

Resolve and a rarely-seen dose of gumption, courage, and ferocity bubbled in the Waterbender, and her words spilled out. "I know you're tough, Toph. So tough. You're unbreakable. You're mean, you're a fighter, and you're incredibly competent. Everyone's scared to take you on in a fight, and so they should be, but you're not scaring me. And I'm not leaving until you tell me what happened these past four years."

_These past four years?_ Toph thinks. _They were just the final blow. Can't they see I've always been like this?_

_Of course they can. They just didn't want to help. They're only helping now because they want to use you, and they can't when you're so completely split apart. Get over yourself._

Then, _You have to be honest with her._ This was the small side, the meek side. _Even if he's right-and he isn't, they still need you. Even if they can't care about you, you still care about them._

Toph stares blindly at the wall. Katara pulls her into a close hug and lets her stay there.

When she finally spoke, her words came out garbled and tinted with pain. "I'm not the girl you think I am, Kat."

She'd never used that as a nickname before, and she paused to wonder where it came from. Better than Sugar Queen, she mused; maybe it was simply that Toph had realized that Katara really did care.

Katara petted her hair and whispered in her, tickling, "Is it because you're not a girl anymore? Is it because you're a woman now?"

"Well…" _Not exactly._

Toph pulled away from Katara's embrace and wrapped her arms around herself protectively. Once ebbing, her tears came back. It wasn't the whole deal, "the big sandwich" as The Boulder had said to her once. But it was damn close, and Toph was grateful that Katara had provided an escape from true explanation.

"Yes, Kat, yes. I hate it so much." Her body wracked with sobs now, because she realized that she did hate it, every moment of it, from the terrifying, thick blood and the splitting pain in her abdomen to the bounce of her breasts and the curve of her legs. Toph's voice came out a wail, "I don't understand it! It isn't fair; it isn't fucking fair."

She shoved her head between her legs so Katara wouldn't see the angry tears and the puffy eyes.

"I'm not me. It beat who I was out of my body and it put me in this new hellhole."

"Now that's not true!" Katara exclaimed. "I completely understand why you wouldn't like being a woman, Toph. It's not you; you're a tomboy, an athletic, fierce, and proud person. But there are pluses, too."

"Like what?" Toph asked bitterly, wiping her eyes and sniffing loudly, much to Katara's disgust.

"People take you seriously, for one thing. Remember how no one would ever listen to you because you were young? Not so anymore. I know that back when we were traveling, you hated it when my opinions held more weight than yours because I was older. Now, we're all young adults, and our ideas are pretty much equal. There are relationships, too. They're so much more serious now; I think I truly understand love, Toph, and there's nothing more wonderful."

Spite and jealousy flamed in Toph's belly. Katra got what she wanted. Katara got a husband, Katara got a family, and Katara got ell-oh-vee-ee. Everything that I most want are the furthest away from what I can have, she thought, downtrodden.

"You have to learn to see beauty in yourself, Toph," Katara continued gently, touching Toph's cheeks and tipping her face up. "Women…we're works of art. I know it's hard to see sometimes, but we are." Mischief in her voice, she continued, "Men may be sculpted…but we're shapely. Our curves can only be captured by the most careful of brush strokes and the most practiced tools. You have a beautiful body, Toph, and a gorgeous face."

Pride flushed and caught Toph in its warming glow. She thought she felt the ghost of a smile crawl up her lips, but the feared words slipped out behind it, "Kat…it hurts. My chest hurts when I run; my whole body aches once a month. The blood makes me a husk."

Katara grinned back weakly. "There are ways to help it. Boobs are kind of cumbersome, though you know I'd never admit that to any guy…anyway, there are certain styles of bindings that can help. I'll teach you about them, promise. And your period, well, we all know that's hell on earth. You just have to be careful to change your dressings frequently. If the cramps are bad, I'll heat some water for you, and if you wrap your stomach with a hot cloth, they ease a bit."

Against her will, Toph squeaked, "That's not what I mean, though. I get…wild. Unpredictable. Mean." feeling an odd gush of happiness, "Well, meaner than usual."

"Eyuch, mood swings," Katara groaned. "The worst. Well, you can talk to me or Suki any time you want, or even the guys, if you're both comfortable with it. I bet Sokka would be good; PMS may be bad, but nothing is worse than a moody, pregnant Suki. Oh, and sweets help."

Toph let out a long sigh. Her tears had dried up, and she didn't feel near as confused. In fact, she felt a spreading wave of satisfaction creep down from her chest to her toes and fingers. It was fantastic to be able to talk with Katara again. Of course, they'd had their ups and downs, and they rarely got along perfectly, but having a close friendship with a girl held some perks that being close with a guy didn't offer.

"Toph…I'm so glad we talked. Are you going to be okay?"

Pleased that Katara was concerned, Toph replied, "Yes, I think so. Our friendship really means a lot to me, Katara. Kat. Do you mind me calling you that?"

Katara laughed. "Of course not…T."

"T? Hell, why not?"

Earthbender and Waterbender sat in silence for a moment.

Then, "It's good to be back."

Katara brought Toph to her bedroom in the Fire Nation palace, where Team Avatar had taken up residence-it was awfully big, after all.

"Hey, sexy, shouldn't you be shacking up with Aang?"

Katara flushed a bright red, which looked odd against her mocha skin.

"Who says I haven't?" she chirped, unusual in her openness, glad to see the old Toph back.

"Good point. I'd tell you that your room is pretty, but I really don't have a clue."

But Katara's room was pretty, with lush cream carpeting and pale, dreamy blue walls. Her bed was enormous, pillows stuffed with goose down and accompanied by a doll made by the Southern Water Tribe. There was a dresser in one corner and a desk at another, and a large fountain trickled sighs.

"You get to stay with me," Katara continued. "I hope you don't mind sharing a bed; if you do, I can always have a trundle sent in."

Toph paused, feeling with her feet that she could have had her own bedroom, but rather flattered and pleased that Katara cared enough to keep her within quick range.

"So long as you don't sneak the Avatar in here, we'll get on just fine," she replied, and laughed.

Suki breezed in, having changed into a flowing pink robe that hugged the faintest trace of the bump of her stomach. "Hey, girls. I see Toph's settling in well," she said, noting the enormous pile of dirty clothes Toph had dumped on the floor. "I came here to have some good old girl time with you two. We should get ready together. I even brought a dress for Toph to try on."

She held up her own gown and another.

"Get ready for what?" Toph asked, feeling the beginnings of discomfort bubble up inside her. A dress never meant anything good.

"Oh, Katara didn't tell you? The boys felt bad for the whole debacle today at lunch, so Zuko has 'cordially' invited us to a fancy dinner at the Eastern Dragon. What'd he do to you, anyway, Toph? You have to dish."

"Huh?" Well, this was confusing.

Suki tilted her head in puzzlement. "He said he wants to make things up to you, whatever that means."


	5. Undeserving

**Yay for a quick update! I'm on fall break (ome week off) and I'm hoping to at least get another chapter done. The next will most likely be entirely in Zuko's perspective...but let's not get ahead of ourselves. This chapter is split up into Toph POV and Zuko POV, so be extra sure to tell me what you think. Oh, and it's a pretty long chapter, so...be excited! :D I really enjoyed writing this segment. Review replies:**

**donhisiewen: Thank you so much! :D I think you're really going to like this chapter.**

**Arashi-No-Shadow: Mehehe. ^-^ I love writing cliffies. In fact, there's one in this chapter, too. Yeah, Katara would be a good friend to have, albeit a bossy one.**

**Waiyi: ^-^**

**mlkool86: Thank you. Hope you enjoy. (:**

**mgezzie: I hope you like this one!**

**Okay, now before my reviewers and those who do not review (I know you're out there; I get too many hits for you not to be. xD P.S. Hi. Don't be shy; I don't bite. Thanks for reading.) start this chapter, you should know tha there's kinda some explicit stuff in this chapter. No sex, not even any kissing, but well...just be forewarned, m'kay? And tell me if you think I pulled it off believably. :D Okay, I won't hold you up any more. Enjoy!**

Despite the thrill of shock that jolted through her body, Toph maintained her composure. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Really," Katara added. "I couldn't eat another bite if I tried."

"Hey, I'm just telling you what Sokka said," Suki replied, shrugging her shoulders. "And why shouldn't we go? The Eastern Dragon is so fancy, and can you even imagine how everyone in the Fire Nation is going to react once they realize that Toph is back?"

Toph cringed. Just what she needed, a scene. She didn't want everyone to know that she had returned to the Fire Nation (meek side: _where you belong_), but that, she reminded herself, was part of Team Avatar: the fame.

It wasn't as if people hadn't recognized over her travels; it was just that over the years, as she grew up, they'd stopped talking. Word had spread of how moody she'd become, and when you're the greatest Earthbender alive and your moods are nothing short of mercurial, people tend to keep their distance.

"No, but all the more reason for us to get her fancied up! Even with makeup!" Katara squealed like a little girl. "Toph, I know you don't want to hear this, but…you have gorgeous curves. And I can't believe you've started wearing your hair down. It's so shiny."

"Really," Suki agreed, sounding matronly as she walked over and began to stroke Toph's hair. "No offense, but it's kinda dusty."

Toph groaned. She hated putting on formal clothes, and she especially hated people putting makeup on her. It made her itchy and awkward, not to mention the fact that she could and would never have the slightest clue as to how she looked.

_Or maybe it's because you know they make you pretty, and you just can't stand that idea._

Pushing the thought away, Toph said, "I'll hop in the shower and wash it, if you guys wants me to. Do you have any good shampoo, Katara?"

"You must be forgetting, Toph. I am the Sugar Queen, patron saint of all that is frilly and girly. Would you prefer orange or strawberry scented?"

Toph brought her hand to her forehead and then grudgingly replied, "Orange."

"Well, hop to it!" Suki said brightly, nudging Toph toward the bathroom with Katara following.

"What, do you guys wanna watch or something? Can't you just imagine my delectable curves all lathered up? Mm-hmm."

"Oh, yes. Delightful," Katara muttered sarcastically, handing Toph a smooth bottle. "There's a fresh bar of soap on the counter."

Then they were gone, and Toph heard the door click shut. Slowly, almost laboriously, Toph removed her grimy shirt and pants, kicking them away from herself. Reaching out with her hands, she felt the cool granite of the countertop beneath her fingertips, which found the soap. Toph brought it to her nose and smelled clean lilacs and smiled softly.

Grin fading, she then pulled down and off her underwear and began to unwind the bindings around her breasts. Completely naked, she stood quietly, listening to the silence of the room and the faint sound of Katara and Suki's voices outside.

Outstretching her fingers, she found the cool pane of a mirror and paused, wondering what she looked like. The Earthbender thought hard, remembering everything anyone had told her: tiny, pale, dark and thick haired, big gray eyes, a gentle pink mouth, and a small nose. Her hands were small, too; she knew this much due to them being dwarfed by the few hands she'd held.

Frustration building, Toph thought of how these descriptions still did her no good. Pale and dark and gray and pink meant nothing to her, for she had never seen those colors. Not once. She had a bit of a better clue about her mouth and nose; obviously, she'd touched her cheeks and lips, and once, Sokka had let her feel the contours of his face, so as to compare them to hers. Her bending allowed her to see faint shapes, and the harder she focused, the better she could "see" details, but things were still fuzzy.

And she had to admit, she wished most of all that she could know color. It was supposed to be beautiful-and the earth, especially. That's what seasons were about, Aang said. Color and life and change.

Toph wanted to know.

And now, she thought of her body. _A pretty face isn't everything_, she reminded herself weakly. She thought of the man telling her she had nice tits, and the boys in the street who had once grabbed her butt.

Cautiously, she moved her hands so that they rested firmly around her creamy waist. Toph brought them forward slowly, wrapping them around her stomach and inching her fingers forward till they met just above her navel. They separated, and Toph inched them upwards slowly, counting the ridges in her ribcage and noting that her skin was soft. That was something she was good with: textures. She knew all about that: gravelly, rough, prickly, smooth, satiny, silky, soft. There were so many, and they enthralled Toph.

She continued on her journey upwards till her hands had found the bottom of her breasts. Gingerly, Toph dragged her fingers between the creases where they met her body. She followed the sloping path around them, marveling that a part of a human, a completely imperfect creature, could be so perfectly round, supple…pillow-y, even.

Her nipples unnerved her. They were a texture that was near indescribable to her, and that was unsettling; what was even more disturbing, however, was the manner in which they responded to her touch, raising and hardening.

Deciding she had had enough, Toph leaned over and found the bath tub and began to run hot water, delighting in the cheerful sounds it made as it hit the marble of the basin. Originally, she had intended to shower, but her little exploration had left her feeling confident, if not slightly confused.

It didn't matter whether or not she knew what she looked like. She was going to make Zuko believe she was beautiful. She was going to wash her hair and rinse every inch of her body and shave and even, she added, scrub the dirt off of her delicate feet.

_Why, bitch?_ bad side sneered. _He's married. You wanna play home wrecker, cunt? Because I could sure help with that._

Sighing angrily, Toph submerged her feet in the steaming hot bath. Pooling water in her hands, she brought it up and over her legs. She could tell by touch that the hair had grown to a rather unappealing length, and she grimaced. Finding a razor perched on the edge of the tub, she ran it over the curves of her legs, shaving as best as she could and hoping it would be good enough. This she repeated with the other leg and then washed her feet.

Then, taking a deep breath, she slid into the hot water.

It engulfed her, and Toph had to fight panic for a split second; the tub was deep, and she never had learned how to swim. But then, realizing the water would rise only to her collarbone, she sighed happily and sunk deeper. Gleefully, she rubbed soap all over her chin until she had a bubbly beard. She was finally feeling good, and she had no intention of stopping.

:myspacerswon'tworkonffsoi':

Toph stepped out of the water and toweled her legs off, feeling for any leftover bristle, proud to say that there was none. Quickly, she bound her breasts and pulled on a pair of unfortunately frilly underwear. Wrapping herself in one of Katara's fluffy white robes, she emerged from the bathroom in a flurry of steam.

"Spirits, you took long enough!" Suki exclaimed, and then squealed when she saw how glossy Toph's hair was. "You're going to look so gorgeous, Toph. You'll be turning heads in every direction. Mrf. It took me full face makeup to get Sokka's eyes on me."

Toph blushed and smiled. It was nice to get compliments.

Katara glanced out the window and looked at the moon. "We only have about forty five minutes to get ready. We better get started."

Lifting her hands gracefully, Katara bended the excess water out of Toph's hair and sent it flying into the tub. She then took a brush and began to brush Toph's hair, none too gently. Toph was not one to complain, though; she stood still and gritted her teeth, thinking about how her mother had never done this.

"Suki, what do you think we should do to it?" Katara asked over her shoulder. Suki was brushing on a pale purple eyeshadow.

"Just leave it down. It's so thick and straight, Katara; it'll look fine that way."

Katara paused, scrutinizing the ebony waterfall before her. Toph's bangs hung down around her eyes, as usual.

"Well, alright. But we have to get her makeup perfect."

Toph sighed.

For the next thirty minutes, Suki and Katara slaved over Toph's face, bickering over what would look best and then squealing about how different she looked. Though she'd never admit it, Toph liked the way the blush brush glided over her cheeks, like the kiss of a butterfly.

The dress they'd put her in made her feel odd, awkward. Katara and Suki described it as short (which was an understatement; it was at lest three inches above Toph's knees), and a deep violet color. It was strapless and, worst of all, unfortunately low-cut. It dipped in feathery ruffles around her chest, as if she were the heart of a flower encircled by intricate petals.

When they finally left the palace, Toph shivered, feeling the cool air whisper against her bare skin. She felt exposed, as if she's just been born. Defenseless and out of place.

"You're skinny, Toph. How much have you been eating?"

Quite honestly, food held little interest to her. She'd liked to travel light, and that often meant that food was meager. It was fine by Toph; she was never very hungry.

_That'll change here, though,_ she told herself. _I'm living in the Fire Nation palace. Feasts are practically a priority._

Before she could even respond, Suki said, "You're like Mai. She was always so skinny."

Toph felt an angry flush raze her cheeks. She didn't want to be compared to Mai. She already knew that she wasn't good enough; there was no need to remind her.

Katara elbowed her in the side. "Maybe Zuko will finally quit sulking now that you're back," her words seemed to hold a hidden meaning. Toph felt tense and disconcerted. "I mean, he's never been Planet Peppy, but it's been two years."

"What the hell are you guys going on about?" Toph growled, feeling goose bumps rise on her skin. "Two years since what?"

Katara's face paled and Suki looked faint. "I…guess you haven't heard. There was a man named Shu Lee who showed up a while back. I won't drag you through all the unpleasant details. Toph, Mai was killed two years ago."

:zuko pov:

"If they don't show up soon, I'm going to eat Momo," Sokka growled, impatiently shifting his weight.

Aang, looking very dapper in his formal clothes, listlessly looked around. "You know how girls are, Sokka. They probably broke a nail or something."

Zuko gazed at the Avatar. He looked so much older. Not in a bad way; his duties had yet to age him. But every time Zuko saw the blue arrow tattoo, he expected to look down and see the youthful face of the twelve year old boy he had hunted for so long. Instead, a man looked back at him through calm, clear eyes.

He felt hot and trapped in his clothes. Sokka and Aang were being their usual immature selves; that was one thing four years hadn't changed about them. Zuko, on the other hand, felt painfully old.

_Spirits, I'm only twenty. How am I supposed to rule for the rest of my life? I don't even have a queen._

His throat clenched painfully. He had loved Mai, and she was gone.

_Son of a bitch. I should have killed him when I had the chance._

He couldn't think about that. Not now. Tonight was supposed to be fun. It _would_ be fun. That's why he had proposed they went out, right?

No, wrong. Zuko wanted to see Toph.

_It's only because I've missed her!_ he thought fiercely. _She was the first one to accept me as part of Team Avatar, and she was always kind to me. We're friends, and I haven't seen her in four years. That's all._

Oh, how he wished that was all.

The door to the Eastern Dragon creaked open, and in walked the girls. Katara was wearing a snowy blue dress that had one strap. The fringes were white, and she wore a string of pearls around her delicate neck. Suki was dressed in a knee-length moss green dress that had red accents and flowed around her like tissue paper.

And then…

Zuko's breath left his body.

Toph Bei Fong had become beautiful.

Her face was the color of the moon's reflection on the water, the palest and purest white. Her mouth was a sweep of ruby, and her pixie nose and round cheeks were dusted with pink. Oh, and her eyes. Enormous, and pale blue-green, so clear Zuko knew he could see the shadow of his reflection if he got close enough (he wanted to get close enough), and accented perfectly by the thinnest coat of silvery eyeshadow and dark eyeliner.

Against his will, he felt his eyes traveling further down her body. Even Toph's shoulders looked good to him; unbidden, his mind flashed to what her skin would taste like.

A shudder ran through him. That girl had great breasts. _Really_ great breasts, that rose and fell perfectly in time with her breathing.

_Keep going, keep going,_ his head hissed. _She'll notice._ Then, _Wait, no she won't. She's blind. She can't really tell if I'm looking directly at her, right? Yes, but the others can. How dare you think of anyone but Mai. You're betraying her._

So slender, and the dress hugged her slim waist beautifully. His hands there, holding her as they danced…

_Mai would want this. She would. She'd want me to be happy. Right? Please be right…_

A sweet ass and long legs: long, gorgeous legs that were muscled from bending and running but looked as smooth as rain.

_Oh, please. It's not like you could ever have anything with Toph. You saw what she did today at lunch. She wouldn't even let you touch her. She's probably a lesbian. That'd be your luck. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I mean…oh my, her making out with another girl, oh, shit-_

_Stop it! You're giving yourself a fucking erection. Just cut it out. Calm the hell down and don't look at her tits. Oh, spirits, that's difficult. Um, um…pull out her chair for her! Iroh: "Treat women as if they were blah blah blah blah…" Just do it!_

Zuko started forward, his foot catching on a snag in the rug, and he fell forward. Hot shame flooded his cheeks and he was once more incredibly thankful that Toph couldn't see his insecurities.

_But she sure as hell can feel them._

Hurriedly, Zuko pulled back her chair for her, and she plopped down. Closer up, she looked disturbed: paler than usual, and her eyes were swimming. He wanted to ask what was wrong; no, he wanted to touch her face. He waited there stupidly as Katara and Suki took their seats. Zuko kept expecting her to say something snark-y or snappish, but she didn't. Toph stared blindly ahead.

He took his seat across from her and shakily ordered a bottle of red wine for their table. Katara and Sokka were bickering, and Suki was stroking Momo, who had laid himself across her lap.

Zuko vaguely heard Aang trying to explain a new form of Airbending he had devised, and he nodded his head half-heartedly in agreement. But he was fascinated by Toph, who sat amidst the chaos of dinner: bodies moving all around her, waiters bumping into her chair, Katara ordering massive amounts of honey breadcrumb-battered chicken, and his eyes, boring into every part of her that he could see and still not being satisfied.

Surely, she knew he was looking; surely, she'd grow irritated and talk to him first. But no, she just sat quietly, not ordering food and only speaking when spoken to.

He was mimicking her; Zuko was determined not to speak to her. She had to make the first move, she had to show that maybe she was interested in him, too.

But she didn't, and that was how dinner went.

When it was all over, Zuko was angry. Toph hadn't said a damn word the entire night! Well, he was going to change that. By the spirits, he would make her talk. He would make her into something more than a lonely ghost.

"Hey, Toph? Can I talk to you for a second?" he asked on their way out.

He saw her shoulders tighten and she nodded her head almost imperceptibly.

Zuko led her into a dark alley, and he didn't miss the shudder that passed along her body.

_Fuck. I'm scaring her. Wait, scaring TOPH? Something is up here. Toph doesn't get scared. Whatever. Maybe she'll react if she's afraid. Dammit, what the hell is her problem? She can't even fucking speak? She's being a stuck-up little…_

"What is it, Zuko?" she asked quietly, looking down. Zuko knew she rarely looked people in the face, since it made them uneasy, but something about her posture and the quiver in her voice knocked all the anger out of him.

Toph looked so beautiful, with the moonlight bathing her exposed shoulders in its ethereal glow. She was breathing faintly, and biting her lower lip so hard that it was turning red. Zuko couldn't stand it; he wanted to kiss her and make her stop. Shaking, he fought the urge to touch her, and lost. What was going on? He'd never felt such powerful desire for anyone since…since…Mai.

He brushed a strand of Toph's hair out of her eyes. It felt like silk, and a citrus scent wafted up to tease his senses. To his surprise, Toph jolted forward with a cry and buried him in a bone-crunching hug.

_She feels amazing._

The Earthbender's whole body was lean and powerful; Zuko could feel the coiled muscles in her powerful arms. Yet, Toph seemed so incredibly delicate. She was petite, much shorter than he was, barely reaching his chest. Speaking of chests…hers was ground up against him like a lover's, incredibly soft and warm.

_Oh, don't think about it, don't think about it…instant boner. Great._

But before he could think much more, Toph pulled away. Unable to resist, Zuko reached forward and touched her chin, tipping her face upward. He wanted to kiss her, oh, he wanted to kiss her and never stop, wanted to pull her down beneath his sheets in a flurry of passion and make love to her till…she was crying. Toph, strong, unstoppable, rock hard (yeah, talk about rock hard) Toph had silver tears trickling down her face. Was she happy? Did she want the same thing as him? Or did she not like him touching her? Had something happened? Zuko's thoughts were flying through his head like arrows in a war.

But her next words were ones that killed all thoughts of his and froze him cold.

"I'm so sorry about Mai, Zuko. I can't imagine what you're feeling."

And then, Mai's voice, powerful and clear, as if she were standing right next to him, monotone, the way she spoke when she was angry but apathetic. _You have never and will never experience love. Only lust. You never loved me and you won't love her, either. Sick fuck, if she slipped up on one step, you'd have brought her home to do something she'd always regret. You will never deserve nor have what you so desire._

Zuko turned and ran.


	6. Haunted, Part 1

**Whee, another chapter! I truly enjoyed writing this one; it'll be the first in a two part Zuko thing. This is more fo a flashback. And, if at the end, you're slightly confused...don't worry. You're supposed to have doubts about what exactly happened. ^-^ First, review replies:**

**Waiyi: :D Haha.**

**donhisiewen: Your review, as always, made me smile. Thank you. (:**

**Megii of Mysteri OusStranger: Thank you very much for the concrit! I'll be sure to work on that in later chapters.**

**SunAndMoon16: Wow...thank you SO much. :DDD**

**redchinese: You get a cookie. That review was awesome. xD Thank you for telling me all of that. I kinda like people who are nitpicky, actually. I'm one of them. I just wish I knew more about Eastern culture...anyway, thanks for the compliments and help!**

**tomboy 26: well..this chapter is rather angsty. xD But I think you'll like it. I hope. :D**

**This chapter has a semi-lemon in it. This is my first time really writing smut, so comments are much appreciated. Also, for our nitpickers out there, ;D this chapter has some subject matter that's basically unheard of in the Avatar world. However...it's a subject that I know a lot about and I felt it would be worthwhile to incorporate it. Tell me what you think! :D Enjoy,**

She tasted like strawberries.

Okay, well, _she_ tasted like sweat and heat and passion. But her mouth and tongue tasted like sweet strawberries, and that was no one's fault but his. Zuko had always been especially sensual, and he loved the whole strawberries-and-chocolate thing, less because it tasted good and more because it could be licked off of stomachs and lips and…

His reverie was broken by a the tickling of fingers along the creases of his bare thigh. Zuko groaned and arched his hips. He broke the kiss and looked down into a pair of beautiful slit eyes, liquid gold in color, crinkled in mischief.

"Spirits, don't stop there…!"

_Damn. That wasn't commanding _or _convincing._

Mai licked her lips, puffy from heated kissing, seductive and every inch of her a temptress. Zuko wanted to fight back, wanted to deny her the pleasure she denied him, but he wasn't very good at keeping his hands to himself.

Slowly, he slid his hands from her breasts down her creamy-soft sides, delighting in the small chuckle that he elicited from Mai as he tickled her. Incense burned on the bureau, bathing the room in pale, billowing smoke and the scent of vanilla and honey.

His hands inched lower and were met with coarse hair. Grinning, Zuko teased her back, licking his fingers and brushing them along the most private part of her.

"Don't you dare do that to me, _Lord _Zuko," Mai's eyes were happy, but her mouth was a snarl and her voice mocking.

"And why not?" Zuko growled back, feeling his anger flush. "What, you can just toss my dick around like it's some toy, but I have to treat you like a queen?"

"But I _am_ a queen," Mai hissed, and scraped her fingernails down his back, dragging hot pain and sketching desire with them. "And remember…I'm boss."

With surprising strength (or maybe it was just because Zuko was so stunned by the waves of need that were pulsing through, most notably, his groin.), Mai flipped him over and crawled on top of him.

Leaning down, Mai bit and sucked at his neck fiercely, leaving love marks all over him. From over her shoulder, Zuko admired the curves of her body, happily holding her from behind.

His last coherent thoughts were of how sultry and smoky Mai's eyes were as they met.

Then he was lost in a whirlwind of passion.

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Sheets were tangled around their legs and the air was still foggy with sweet-smelling smoke and sweat. Mai's arms were wrapped around Zuko's torso, her head resting on his toned chest. Her makeup was smeared along her face and her delicate neck was a ribbon of bite marks, but Zuko always thought she was at her most beautiful after sex. Her hair was mussed up in a black cloud, and he stroked it tenderly.

"I'll never get tired of looking at you," he whispered. "You're so beautiful."

Zuko could feel Mai's mouth curving against his skin, but he knew her smile didn't show teeth. She never did.

Faintly, he thought he heard he breathe out, "thank you," but it was hard to tell.

Mai seemed strangely frail and tiny in his arms, ashen, not the powerful queen the rest of the world saw, not the warrior who had hunted with Azula and Ty Lee, nor the wild, alluring, woman she was during private times.

He turned her left arm over and stroked the smooth skin of its underside. Railroads of jagged scars traced their way up and down, and Zuko felt a familiar tug of pain low in his abdomen.

They had been through several doctors, all of which dismissed Mai as crazy and sadistic and dark. Finally, Zuko had found someone competent. The newest palace physician, Shu Lee, had diagnosed Mai with depression about a year after she moved into the palace and took her place as queen. So far as he knew, blessedly, Mai hadn't touched a blade for several months. She literally hadn't; she'd given up her throwing knives a long time ago, and shaving was not up her ally. Too much temptation, she said, and Zuko would never let his own vanity get in the way of her safety. He loved her too much for that.

It was something they kept very quiet; Mai was a proud woman and thought her scars a sign of weakness. He was the only one who knew, really; Katara had guessed, but otherwise…

Mai was always so sad, though, and that was what got to Zuko. Despite Shu Lee's seemingly accurate diagnosis, it appeared to Zuko that ever since he'd shown up, Mai, when she wasn't putting on her façade of power or of lust, had a sorrow deep in her eyes and a resignation in her mouth and stride. The Fire Lord's wife often cried out in her sleep. When Zuko tried to hold her unconscious body close, she writhed in his arms and, once, woke up screaming. Nightmares plagued Mai; white makeup was the only barrier between the vulnerable, bruise-like circles beneath her eyes and the prying world.

And now, lying in his embrace, a time when she normally would feel blissful and, for once, relaxed, Zuko could feel the tension in her body. Something was not right.

"Have you been doing okay, Mai?" Zuko asked, his voice husky with worry.

"Zuko, you just saw every inch of my body and you didn't notice anything out of the ordinary."

"No," Zuko admitted but then, more firmly, "But that doesn't mean you're happy."

Mai laughed, but it was strained. "I just went to the doctor yesterday and he said I was doing much better. Besides, I just fucked the Fire Lord. People would die to be in my position, no pun intended."

Abruptly, she pulled away from him and scooted to the edge of the bed, where she began combing her raven hair with the bristle brush that rested on their bedside table. Zuko couldn't help but admire how graceful and lithe she looked: the waterfall of hair that spilled down her back, the ivory of her skin, sharply contrasting against Mai's hair color, and the faintest curve of her breasts. She could have been a statue.

Without another word, his wife got up from the bed and walked to the dresser, rifling through it for her nightgown.

Another sweeping glance down her body left Zuko feeling frozen and trapped; sweeping crimson lines marred the back of both of her thin ankles.

:spacers:

"I'm sorry, Zuko, but you just can't see me like this. I'm on my period; I'm gross and bloody and smelly and just disgusting. Can't we go to bed?"

Zuko would normally have happily obliged; a PMS-y Mai was not a person he ever wanted to deal with. However, the edge of desperation and fear in her voice betrayed her. His wife was hiding something; she'd been rejecting Zuko's sexual advances for over two months. She wouldn't even shower with him, much less change in front of him.

"No, dammit, we can't. I don't want to do this, Mai. In fact, it's making me fucking sick to order you around like this. But you're obviously hiding something, and I need to know about it. Take off your clothes."

Mai blanched and wrapped her arms around herself, grimacing. "Please, just let me sleep."

"Do it, Mai. Do it, or I'm going to call Shu Lee and make him tell me what's wrong with you. You've obviously been feeling like shit for some time now. Stomach pains, headaches, the whole works. Not to mention-and I really don't wanna sound like a typical guy here-we haven't had sex in forever. You were a monster in bed, Mai, and now you'll barely let me look at you."

Slowly filling with tears, Mai's eyes were dark with shame…but there was something else there, too. A baser emotion: fear.

"Okay. Fine. Just hold on."

She didn't even try to control the quiver in her voice. Instead, Mai turned her back on Zuko and began to undress in a manner that suggested she was in pain, so slowly that Zuko felt his frustration mount.

Finally, she stood bare before him, shaking with cold or fear, he knew not which. Mai's back was pale, and Zuko could see the faintest outline of a few fading bruises.

She had yet to turn around.

"Mai…" he was scared now. "Turn around. Please."

Wrapping her arms tightly around her upper body, Mai shook her head sharply. Zuko noticed how dull her hair had become; it was limp and lifeless.

Reaching an arm out, he gently brushed his fingers over the skin of her shoulder. Mai jerked back and cried out as if he'd hit her. She turned on him with eyes filled with tears; choking down a sob, she let her arms fall to her sides.

Ruby lines had been etched into Mai's skin, stretching for eons from her collarbone, down over her breasts, and onto her stomach. Zuko fought the urge to scream; these were not battle wounds. This was not natural. This was what sick people did, people who were sad and didn't know what to do or where to turn to.

The gruesome wounds hurt his eyes, his head, his soul. How could Mai be doing that to herself? She had stopped. She had _stopped_. Well, there had been that one incident on her ankles, but that had just been a slip-up…or had she been doing it since then?

"Mai…" _How could you do this to me? To yourself? Why? How? Why won't you talk to me?_ All he was able to grind out was, simply, "I thought you had stopped."

"I had," she moaned, sobbing openly.

Letting his emotions overtake him, Zuko firmly gripped Mai's shoulders and pulled her to him. He didn't think that maybe she didn't want her cuts rubbing up against his shirt. He didn't wonder why she froze in his arms, her limbs pinioned to her sides and her breathing shallow, every inch of her body rigid. He didn't wonder why she mewled, not in passion, when he pressed his mouth to hers, letting his body ask questions that he himself could not bear to. Zuko just let the kiss swallow him, losing his hands in her hair, the feeling of her lips, un-stirring against his own passionate, silent plea, as he wondered where things had gone so wrong.

:spacer:

This wasn't happening.

It was a dream: a horrendous, monstrous, hideous nightmare.

Or maybe he had lost his mind. Maybe everything had finally gone to his head; all the stress and pain and confusion had just shattered his mind to bits.

Anything. Any of that would be better than what Zuko knew he was seeing through clear eyes.

Shu Lee was standing before him with his shirt off. The physician was a medium sized man, but strong, with toned muscles and long brown hair. His eyes were dark and unreadable, wide-set and heavily lidded. Looking sweaty and afraid, he raised his hands, as if to say that it wasn't him.

Mai…his most beautiful, most loved Mai…

Her body was curled in on itself, as if she was wrapping herself around a rock in a roaring rapid…as if she was holding on for dear life. His queen was naked, her skin paler than usual and marred with black and blue marks. Mai's hair fanned around her, a sickening color of brown-black. An enormous pool of blood encircled her body, and more was pouring out from her wrists and throat. A ghastly bone blade was held loosely in her left hand, the jagged edges painted with red.

With a howl so garbled that it was unintelligible, Zuko ran to kneel beside her. Frantically, he ripped off his shirt and pressed it to the wounds as he turned Mai to face him. Gore was smeared across her face from where she had been lying in it, and her lips were glazed with blood.

"Mai, can you hear me? _Mai!_"

Two golden, albeit bloodshot, eyes opened to stare up at him. Mai's expression filled with a mixture of horror, pain, relief, and something unidentifiable; later, Zuko would wonder what it had been: remorse, or hate?

He saw her mouth open and he bent forward, closer, hoping to hear her whisper to him in the voice he was so accustomed to and comforted by. Instead, Zuko felt her exhale softly, her breath sweet. Mai did not inhale again.

For a moment, he felt nothing. A wall of white ate away at Zuko's insides. He tried to cast his eyes into his head, tried to reason through what was going on, but there was nothing there but a shroud of pearl. Floating, Zuko breathed once, twice, three times; then the first tear leaked from his eye.

"What do you think you're doing? Get some fucking doctors in here! She's going to die! My wife…is going…to die."

"I'm sorry, Zuko, but it would appear that she has already passed. I'm so sorry, but she's moving on to a better place now. She wasn't happy in this world."

Rage hit him, hard, and the empty mirror within Zuko's head shattered. Blinded with pain, he jumped to his feet.

"Coward! You didn't even fucking try to stop her! You stood there and let her kill herself! It'd take her at least a couple of minutes to bleed this much. You could have called someone. Anyone. Healers. Me."

Shu Lee didn't reply, and Zuko took a moment to just breathe. Thinking of Iroh, he clung to the idea of his "father;" _breathe in, and out, and just clear your head. Don't assume, and take everything into consideration before you start setting things on fire._

Surveying the scene through half-closed eyes, Zuko took in everything: one of the tapestries hanging from the wall had been ripped to the floor and was spattered with blood, Mai had bruises trailing all along her body, but they were particularly evident on her abdomen and thighs…and Shu Lee, the physician whose shirt was off and nowhere to be seen (certainly not soaking up Mai's lifeblood), seemed oddly calm, serene, even, and at peace.

And suddenly it fell together and Zuko was seized with a dreadful knowing that started in his chest and trickled through the whole of his being. Everything was cold.

"You," he said, his voice steady, distant, and frigid. Zuko made a sweeping gesture with his arm at the chaos of the room; through the motion, the hatred building in him brought to the air impassioned heat. "You did this, you sick son of a bitch. All of it. Look at Mai. You killed her. _You_ killed her."

"Zuko, the blade is in Mai's hands. You know she's left-handed." Shu Lee smiled sadly and shook his head, as if Zuko were a child, and a very dumb one, at that. "I'm sorry, but she killed herself. She'd been planning to do this for weeks. Actually…WE had been planning to do this." He bent and picked up the knife. "Zuko, I'm sure this must be hurting you, but Mai and I have been seeing each other in secret for a long time. We loved each other, Zuko, but we obviously can't be together, and that…that's too much for us. The only place our love can be possible is the afterlife."

And then, calmly, without flinching, as if he were cutting open fruit, Shu Lee dug the blade precariously deep into his wrist.

The fool's drivel hardly reached Zuko's ears. The explanation was, quite possibly, the most ridiculous Zuko had ever heard. In fact, he didn't want an explanation. He wanted Mai back. And then, a realization, if possible, even more painful than the first, floored the Fire Lord.

"_You're_ the reason Mai won't let me touch her. _You're _the reason she drew back into herself, why she slashed her ankles and her chest and probably more these past few months. Or did you do that, too? You revolting worm. You raped her. You took away who she was…you…you fucking tossed her spirit into the trash and stomped all over it. You burned her soul and then cut it apart. You defiled her body-the most beautiful woman in the Fire Nation-and you took what you had no right to."

Only when Zuko saw the ruby blood drip, drip, dripping down onto the wooden floors, saw it form a puddle of gore, did he know what had to be done. Taking a deep breath, he looked his wife's killer straight in the eyes, raised his hands, and let loose.

Flames erupted from his palms and were flung forward with terrifying speed. Shu Lee was on fire in an instant. The scent of burning hair and flesh filled the air, vile and sickening, and all Zuko could think was _he must be destroyed he took her he broke her he killed her he has to pay he has to feel her pain he has to burn he has to be so utterly destroyed that he'll never see himself the same way again and he has to suffer what she didn't he has to live here and look at himself every day and see how revolting and disgusting and truly evil he really is he has to know what it feels like to be ravaged and never bounce back he has to know has to know has to know…_

Shu Lee's shrieks of agony would ring soundlessly in his ears for many months to follow.

:spacer:

Mai never did really leave him. In his dreams, she'd still appear, but now only the ghost of herself, the shell of the woman whose final image he would never lose. Often, Mai came to him raining blood upon his face that Zuko would sometimes be forced to swallow and drown in. Other times, he saw only her, naked but in the worst possible way, with the skin peeling away from her, once bright eyes hollow, skin sallow and ghostly, hair lank, cheek bones gaunt, ribs jutting out, and covered in scars that had been cut over and over again. Her wrists and throat were still crimson, as if they'd been freshly slashed, but they had bled out, leaving nothing showing but the rawness of her insides and the gleam of bone.

And still her voice, hoarse and garbled, as though she was choking on her own fluids, would whisper to him things that he would never be ready to hear….

_Fool. Coward. You knew what was going on all along, you were just too afraid to admit it. If you had really loved me, you would have known what was happening. You would have saved me…_

And then, as if she was lost again, dying over and over, Mai's eyes would roll back into her head and she'd begin to keen and wail as if she, too, was being burned alive, "_Save me, Zuko. Oh, spirits, please save me! Someone! Anyone! Why…"_

It was a question that would haunt Zuko for the rest of his life, one that still rang in his mind every morning when he woke.


End file.
